Friday, 1 November 2013

Why My Self Publishing Diary is on Hold

By Colin Dunbar

I thought I would share why I've very quiet here, and why you also won't be seeing anything posted here for the foreseeable future (and I'm also asking for your help).

To be honest, my last post was very cryptic. It was done in haste, and I apologize for that.

Yes, this is my self publishing diary, and you do want to know things about self publishing; well in a way you are getting a look into the life of a self published author.

I'm about to share a part of my life with you, and trust that you find it interesting, and maybe a little enlightening...

As is my nature, I'm always reading and learning new things, and with my interest in writing, I have tended to read a lot on psychology, habits, etc. The reason is that I wanted to use this knowledge when I create characters for my stories.

In order to create interesting characters, I have done an enormous amount of reading on psychological disorders (bipolar, depression, narcissism, schizophrenia, etc.). But over the past 30+ years, I never came across Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

And it's actually no surprise because it is not a common disorder. When I think of the 10 years of suffering that our daughter went through, it's no wonder...

In the Foreword of the book, The Essential Family Guide To Borderline Personality Disorder, the following is offered:

For almost a century, borderline disorder has been referred to as a "wastebasket diagnosis," reserved for those patients whose presenting symptoms are often so complex that they do not fall cleanly into a single diagnosis, thereby frustrating the clinician, the patient, and the family.

As this is not a "mainstream" disorder, we were ignorant for many years - actually, even the school counselors, psychologists, and GP's were in the dark. What was wrong with our daughter? Was she just being a teenage rebel? Was she craving attention? It was a living nightmare on all of us: me, my wife, and her brother. And for my daughter it was hell.

Also in The Essential Family Guide To Borderline Personality Disorder, author Randi Kreger shares this: "If you could snap your fingers and, by magic, experience what a BP feels, you would be overwhelmed by self-loathing, an intense fear of being abandoned, and a relentless sense of emptiness. Irritability and depression would be there, too, a steady drumbeat blocking out feelings of joy and even simple satisfaction. "BPD is a cancer that eats away at my body, mind, and soul," says one woman with the illness."

The biggest strain was the feeling of hopelessness. It is our daughter, and we cannot find out what is wrong - it took its toll on the entire family, and no wonder, as we learned in the book, The Essential Family Guide To Borderline Personality Disorder, many years later:

"Loving someone with BPD is a full-time job. Family members describe it as living on an emotional roller coaster or walking on eggshells. They feel alternately pursued and rejected, as if they're constantly being tested for something, but unsure of what it could be. Over time, people who are close to someone with BPD become so accustomed to living with abusive behavior they start to think it's normal. Family members frequently experience feelings of guilt, shame, depression, exhaustion, isolation, and helplessness."

We read something and it tends to have a certain effect on us: joy, excitement, fear, despair... but when we LIVE the things that we read, it is a whole different ball game. According to the American Psychiatric Association individual only needs to meet five of these nine criteria to qualify for a borderline diagnosis:

  1. strong reactions to fear of abandonment, whether real or imagined
  2. a history of troubled relationships with extremes in behavior and attitude
  3. poor sense of self
  4. impulsive and self-destructive behavior by at least two means (for example, substance abuse, self-mutilation, eating disorder)
  5. repeated suicidal tendencies
  6. intense and frequent moodiness and irritability
  7. an ongoing feeling of emptiness
  8. intense and uncontrollable anger
  9. persistent feelings of detachment
We "lived" BPD for 10 years, and then there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

After a consultation with the psychologist and psychiatrist, they both advised that Abigail be admitted for long-term treatment. This was to be the 1-year program at Healing Wings Rehab and Behavior Treatment Center, where BPD and drug abuse treatment is available.

The power of your gift will give Abigail freedom from the emotional pain that has had her trapped in the hell she has been living the past 10 years.

Give what you can today. We thank you for your generous support, from the bottom of our hearts.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post.